2006-09-23 - 9:37 p.m.

Sometime during the night I woke up with this line from a song in my head:
my love, she's like some raven at my window with a broken wing

I don't remember though if it was before or after this that I dreamt I was having a romance with a shape-shifting crow/man. I think I've mentioned before that my brain has a lot more fun asleep than awake.

I bought a coat today. How happy did that make me? Pretty happy. I've been positively embarrassed to be seen out in my old, beat-up, too big, out-of-style barn coat. My new coat is three-quarter length and black and sleek and classic. I also bought a soft moss green sweater and some jeans. Now I just need some boots. (And bunches of other things as well - I'd finally got enough clothes for summer, but now it's fall.)

Tomorrow I'm going to go buy this fiery orange and yellow yarn and make myself a long skinny stripy scarf to go with my new coat. It's the kind of coat that will set off fancy scarves really, really well.

I am, amazingly, not thinking about work today. Much. Every now and then a thought crosses my mind and I write it down and forget about it. Maybe I've given up. This project has been a train wreck from the beginning and it's certainly not getting better. No one is the least bit grateful that I'm putting in 50 and 60 hour weeks, so maybe I'll just stop.

Today, when my mind started relaxing and thinking about my own stuff again I realized how much I've been missing myself. Missing thinking about my own stuff and doing things for myself. It's not that I mind working hard - most of the time I like this challenge (though, I confess, I was crying in the bathroom this week) it's just that there is no payoff. I suspect that how this is going to play out is that I will receive all the blame for anything that has gone wrong and the project manager, who has been dis-interested at best in this project, will take any credit to be had. One of the other researchers said to me this week about something she (the project manager) had said or done: you do realize she's establishing where the blame lies, don't you? And as soon as he said it I could see clearly that she was doing exactly that - not exactly a comforting thought.

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